"...the beginning of a new journey.."

as-salaam u'alaikum,

man, i can't believe it. its 2:47 at night and i am awake writing here, rather than sleeping, which has been something i longed for for so long. i graduated today al-Hamdulillah from college, and it feels so weird to just have nothing to do right now, and even moreso to just not have this feeling of stress and heaviness on my chest as i've felt for who knows how long. it feels good al-Hamdulillah. i watched some shows that made me laugh, like full house and the suite life of zack and cody. i know, insha-Allah i should start using my time more wisely, but i just wanted to sit around and do absolutely nothing.

so if you're wondering, i have absolutely nothing planned right now, now that i've graduated, but as my mom said today, Allah has a plan for me. gosh, i have so many things i want to do right now, like start just thinking you know, reading, reflecting, taking care of myself and my parents. i think i'm going to get a diary, because as much as i like to type here, there's only so much i can say on a blog that anyone in the world can read. i need to go deep within myself and see where my heart is at, my soul is at, after neglecting it for perhaps much longer than i should have.

al-Hamdulillah. this blog is named well. i was thinking, maybe to start a separate blog that would be about strictly humanitarian relief efforts going on around the world, my thoughts, links, resources, etc., but maybe i'll start adding things here about that.. i don't know. if i did this, the only fear is that suppose i want to refer somebody to it for purposes of social work or what not, i'm not sure i would want them to read all this stuff i've already written here.

now i am getting sleepy and i have yet to pray isha. i hope that insha-Allah i am able to pray fajr... anyways, i'll write here later i guess, at some point anyway insha-Allah.

salaam..

its fall...

as-salaam u'alaikum,

this is the first free time i've had in who knows how long... i was trying to figure out what to do, and then i thought i would just come here and keep talking forever and day until i had nothing else to say. i was going to say that it was ironic that the last time i wrote in here, it was 6/11 and now its 11/6 but then i realized today was the 7th of november, and not the sixth =/.

so i had a really long day, my days have been long. my sister and her kids are going back tomorrow and i'm really going to miss them a lot. i had a really long hard imaging exam that i was making up, and then i had a cabinet meeting. the weather was nice today al-Hamdulillah... well, i guess not nice in the traditional sense with sunshine and warmth and all, but it was nice in that it was very romantic. it was rainy and cloudy, and kind of cold but not unbearably cold, and the leaves have definitely turned to a bright distinctive color scheme.

right now i am sitting here with my laptop in the basement with a bag of jelly beans (they were in individual compartments, but after my niece and nephew got to them, somebody put them all in a ziploc bag). i just had some mystery lemon flavor i didn't quite like and then i added a coconut and now i just have a tasteless blob of sugar in my mouth. i'm wondering if we're going to do something fun tonight. i'm kind of sick and just sneezed and got scared for a second, i just spit out my jelly blob in the process.

i just spent 3 paragraphs talking about nothing. not nothing i guess, i mean, i'm sure i'll read this someday and be amused i'm sure. i'm listening to the soundtrack of curious george (i know this is music but its still at a much lesser degree i'm sure you'll agree). the soundtrack is really cute, really sweet and innocent. one of my favorite songs (there are a couple actually) is called wrong turn. the lyrics are so fit for my life i feel, i don't know.

khair, its cold in the basement. insha-Allah i have one more month until i graduate (hopefully), although the way its been going this semester, i'm not quite so sure about that. i'm just tired i guess. i'm even tired of saying i'm tired. its cold in the garage. why do i keep complaining.

al-Hamdulillah. i really need to just have some time to sort things out in my head. just stay low i guess. i just remembered my summers from my teenage years. how much i miss them. i was just thinking, maybe the lack of those summers have really payed a toll on me, i don't know. during those summers between years in high school, i used to just sit outside on the swing, drink lussi, think about Allah, my relationship with Him, i took care of myself, spent time with my parents, tried to better myself in all aspects. it was like every summer i had some new self-improvement program. but really, it was just so nice to think things through. to think, what a blessing.

i just want to drink lemonade (well, its cold right now so maybe qawa), and just relax. wow, i just thought of this one year in college, the year my brother got married, and it was just my brother and i here because everyone else had gone to prepare for the wedding. every morning, i used to drink qawa in front of the fireplace and eat belgium chocolates. ... sigh, that was the life. al-Hamdulillah i've been blessed.

i know i should do something substantial with my life. lately, i've been feeling kind of self-oriented unfortunately, but i just think its a phase. anyways, i don't mean self-oriented in which i'm thinking i don't need to worry about these things, but i just kind of feel like i can't right now? i don't know.

.. i'm wondering whether anyone's going to read this. i wonder how many people read my blog, like actually read it. i try not to keep too consistent, because really, i kind of want my blog to go out into some abyss. its really interesting because i've always felt like i was more suited for the background and i always see myself in it, you know, kind of the person nobody notices, or really cares to read about. but if you're reading this, you should say something :).

anyways, i'm sitting in an awkward position and time to move on to doing something else, although what i'm not quite sure. oh, i need to call paul about economics. that's going to require me to go upstairs... sigh.

peace,
whoops, almost wrote my name there ;)

i'm back...

salaam,

i think i might start writing in here again, but a little less formal than before. just to clear my head i guess. today was a remarkable day ... al-Hamdulillah. i prayed 3 istikhara's yesterday, and today i dealt with all 3 things at once by email. it was weird. i still don't know the answer to any of those things, but still, to think that al-Hamdulillah by Allah's mercy, i'm getting somewhere closer to an answer, its amazing. sometimes i get so excited and think that this is it, change is in the air. but change is always in the air, whether we welcome it, or run away from it, accept it, or fight it.

Allah, help me please. always.

iman.

as-salaam u'alaikum,

i've started to realize now day by day, slowly and steadily, that iman really is that sweetness, that strength, that keeps one functioning properly and sanely. not to say that with it, our weaknesses are not there, for i am sure i have been even more emotional in times where my iman was strenghtened, but that with it, our hearts are at peace. i am more irritable with the lack of iman, more absorbed, spinning insanely in a world i'm trying to keep together; and yet, i am more distanced, more numb, more spaced out.

somehow i'm starting to feel though, like the train has started moving again. that for a long time, i was at a standstill, but now i'm going somewhere, exactly where, i'm not sure. the lack of certainty in a destination is killing, the lack of understanding in a relationship perhaps moreso. all destinations, all relationships.

certainty eludes me somehow now, more than it ever did. i'm not sure i ever cared for it much, though the fact that it is not within reach makes it more compelling to pursue. and yet is that not how humans feel for one another. pure love, pure friendship, pure anything is a rare commodity.

and yet all rules are broken when it comes to Allah. you pursue Him, He comes closer to you. you express your uncertainty to Him, He comforts your heart with peace. He is with the broken-hearted, not with you to pass time. He is Beautiful, High, Majestic, yet gives blessings to those who are wretched.

the lack of certainty still killing, the lack of understanding in our relationship still moreso, but with Him the world of sorrow and of happiness are one: simply peace.

letting go...

salaam,

its interesting how sometimes it takes us so many times, so many mistakes, so many years, to learn something so simple. we anticipate perhaps that when we do finally learn our lesson, it will come as a blow, some epitome in our life, where everything will fall into place. but no, when we learn, it comes like a breeze that may have been there all along, but we never knew it.

i've found out now, a subtle truth that lingers now in every zephyr of my thoughts, that every ounce of special magic i thought lingered in the relationships that i have with everyone, friends, people that i knew, was really only special because i thought it to be and made it to be. everyone was good in their place, sweet at heart, caring in their own right, but were never for me. the people that will be mine forever insha-Allah, will be nothing more than a strangers to me in the beginning, and every bond, and beautiful relationship from there will be mine. but none of these. nothing right now is mine except my family. it kind of makes me laugh actually. i fought for so long, and now insha-Allah i will not fight any longer. Allah knows best.

i'm just going to sit back and let it come.

tanhai mai basi hai zindagi.

salaam,
the time right now is around 2 in the morning and i'm just sitting here, contemplating.

me.

As-Salaam u'Alaikum wa Rahmatullaahi wa Barakaatuh,

i'm at school, and thinking i should go pray so i can be on time to my next class. i have so much i want to say, so much i feel, but no one to really say it to, so ironically i'm posting it here so anyone in the world can see it. that's weird, but oh well.

khair, i can't believe ramadan is over. i didn't even get the benefits from it... i don't know what happened. it was like i was in a time warp or something, and with school and everything, i didn't even do those good things i usually do.

i feel so alone these days. its like having friends, and laughing and joking, but feeling like ur inside is dead. i miss Allah. i have for a long time. i don't know what's wrong with me. i wish i could just turn back towards Allah, and say that's it, i'm not going to do all those things i was doing. i don't want that life anymore. but we have habits, norms that we conform to, reputations to uphold, things that don't even exist. die, and all those things you were holding up like an atlas carrying the world, vanish into thin air.

i want to be a good Muslim again, but i fear the hope that goes with it, the strength required to uphold it, my lack of sincerity, and me so disrespectful to this beautiful deen and to my soul. i want to disappear sometimes, but i wish to go out there and be with people. i want to develop myself spiritually and internally, but then i think i should use my resources and help others, do something with my life in the community.

i had hopes, dreams, ambitions, all that i think i gave up because i was and am so scared of hurt. i trust everyone so openly, yet do not trust myself.

i want to make dua to Allah, i want to cry to Him, i want Him, yet my sins have blackened my heart, and continue to prevent me from getting close to Him. truly you cannot have one foot in two boats, nor two loves in one heart.

salaam.