(* al-Hamdulillah

"...the beginning of a new journey.."

2006-12-16T23:47:00.000-08:00

as-salaam u'alaikum,

man, i can't believe it. its 2:47 at night and i am awake writing here, rather than sleeping, which has been something i longed for for so long. i graduated today al-Hamdulillah from college, and it feels so weird to just have nothing to do right now, and even moreso to just not have this feeling of stress and heaviness on my chest as i've felt for who knows how long. it feels good al-Hamdulillah. i watched some shows that made me laugh, like full house and the suite life of zack and cody. i know, insha-Allah i should start using my time more wisely, but i just wanted to sit around and do absolutely nothing.

so if you're wondering, i have absolutely nothing planned right now, now that i've graduated, but as my mom said today, Allah has a plan for me. gosh, i have so many things i want to do right now, like start just thinking you know, reading, reflecting, taking care of myself and my parents. i think i'm going to get a diary, because as much as i like to type here, there's only so much i can say on a blog that anyone in the world can read. i need to go deep within myself and see where my heart is at, my soul is at, after neglecting it for perhaps much longer than i should have.

al-Hamdulillah. this blog is named well. i was thinking, maybe to start a separate blog that would be about strictly humanitarian relief efforts going on around the world, my thoughts, links, resources, etc., but maybe i'll start adding things here about that.. i don't know. if i did this, the only fear is that suppose i want to refer somebody to it for purposes of social work or what not, i'm not sure i would want them to read all this stuff i've already written here.

now i am getting sleepy and i have yet to pray isha. i hope that insha-Allah i am able to pray fajr... anyways, i'll write here later i guess, at some point anyway insha-Allah.

salaam..

its fall...

2006-11-07T18:48:00.000-08:00

as-salaam u'alaikum,

this is the first free time i've had in who knows how long... i was trying to figure out what to do, and then i thought i would just come here and keep talking forever and day until i had nothing else to say. i was going to say that it was ironic that the last time i wrote in here, it was 6/11 and now its 11/6 but then i realized today was the 7th of november, and not the sixth =/.

so i had a really long day, my days have been long. my sister and her kids are going back tomorrow and i'm really going to miss them a lot. i had a really long hard imaging exam that i was making up, and then i had a cabinet meeting. the weather was nice today al-Hamdulillah... well, i guess not nice in the traditional sense with sunshine and warmth and all, but it was nice in that it was very romantic. it was rainy and cloudy, and kind of cold but not unbearably cold, and the leaves have definitely turned to a bright distinctive color scheme.

right now i am sitting here with my laptop in the basement with a bag of jelly beans (they were in individual compartments, but after my niece and nephew got to them, somebody put them all in a ziploc bag). i just had some mystery lemon flavor i didn't quite like and then i added a coconut and now i just have a tasteless blob of sugar in my mouth. i'm wondering if we're going to do something fun tonight. i'm kind of sick and just sneezed and got scared for a second, i just spit out my jelly blob in the process.

i just spent 3 paragraphs talking about nothing. not nothing i guess, i mean, i'm sure i'll read this someday and be amused i'm sure. i'm listening to the soundtrack of curious george (i know this is music but its still at a much lesser degree i'm sure you'll agree). the soundtrack is really cute, really sweet and innocent. one of my favorite songs (there are a couple actually) is called wrong turn. the lyrics are so fit for my life i feel, i don't know.

khair, its cold in the basement. insha-Allah i have one more month until i graduate (hopefully), although the way its been going this semester, i'm not quite so sure about that. i'm just tired i guess. i'm even tired of saying i'm tired. its cold in the garage. why do i keep complaining.

al-Hamdulillah. i really need to just have some time to sort things out in my head. just stay low i guess. i just remembered my summers from my teenage years. how much i miss them. i was just thinking, maybe the lack of those summers have really payed a toll on me, i don't know. during those summers between years in high school, i used to just sit outside on the swing, drink lussi, think about Allah, my relationship with Him, i took care of myself, spent time with my parents, tried to better myself in all aspects. it was like every summer i had some new self-improvement program. but really, it was just so nice to think things through. to think, what a blessing.

i just want to drink lemonade (well, its cold right now so maybe qawa), and just relax. wow, i just thought of this one year in college, the year my brother got married, and it was just my brother and i here because everyone else had gone to prepare for the wedding. every morning, i used to drink qawa in front of the fireplace and eat belgium chocolates. ... sigh, that was the life. al-Hamdulillah i've been blessed.

i know i should do something substantial with my life. lately, i've been feeling kind of self-oriented unfortunately, but i just think its a phase. anyways, i don't mean self-oriented in which i'm thinking i don't need to worry about these things, but i just kind of feel like i can't right now? i don't know.

.. i'm wondering whether anyone's going to read this. i wonder how many people read my blog, like actually read it. i try not to keep too consistent, because really, i kind of want my blog to go out into some abyss. its really interesting because i've always felt like i was more suited for the background and i always see myself in it, you know, kind of the person nobody notices, or really cares to read about. but if you're reading this, you should say something :).

anyways, i'm sitting in an awkward position and time to move on to doing something else, although what i'm not quite sure. oh, i need to call paul about economics. that's going to require me to go upstairs... sigh.

peace,
whoops, almost wrote my name there ;)

i'm back...

2006-06-11T19:19:00.000-07:00

salaam,

i think i might start writing in here again, but a little less formal than before. just to clear my head i guess. today was a remarkable day ... al-Hamdulillah. i prayed 3 istikhara's yesterday, and today i dealt with all 3 things at once by email. it was weird. i still don't know the answer to any of those things, but still, to think that al-Hamdulillah by Allah's mercy, i'm getting somewhere closer to an answer, its amazing. sometimes i get so excited and think that this is it, change is in the air. but change is always in the air, whether we welcome it, or run away from it, accept it, or fight it.

Allah, help me please. always.

iman.

2006-03-07T02:30:00.000-08:00

as-salaam u'alaikum,

i've started to realize now day by day, slowly and steadily, that iman really is that sweetness, that strength, that keeps one functioning properly and sanely. not to say that with it, our weaknesses are not there, for i am sure i have been even more emotional in times where my iman was strenghtened, but that with it, our hearts are at peace. i am more irritable with the lack of iman, more absorbed, spinning insanely in a world i'm trying to keep together; and yet, i am more distanced, more numb, more spaced out.

somehow i'm starting to feel though, like the train has started moving again. that for a long time, i was at a standstill, but now i'm going somewhere, exactly where, i'm not sure. the lack of certainty in a destination is killing, the lack of understanding in a relationship perhaps moreso. all destinations, all relationships.

certainty eludes me somehow now, more than it ever did. i'm not sure i ever cared for it much, though the fact that it is not within reach makes it more compelling to pursue. and yet is that not how humans feel for one another. pure love, pure friendship, pure anything is a rare commodity.

and yet all rules are broken when it comes to Allah. you pursue Him, He comes closer to you. you express your uncertainty to Him, He comforts your heart with peace. He is with the broken-hearted, not with you to pass time. He is Beautiful, High, Majestic, yet gives blessings to those who are wretched.

the lack of certainty still killing, the lack of understanding in our relationship still moreso, but with Him the world of sorrow and of happiness are one: simply peace.

letting go...

2006-03-05T17:47:00.000-08:00

salaam,

its interesting how sometimes it takes us so many times, so many mistakes, so many years, to learn something so simple. we anticipate perhaps that when we do finally learn our lesson, it will come as a blow, some epitome in our life, where everything will fall into place. but no, when we learn, it comes like a breeze that may have been there all along, but we never knew it.

i've found out now, a subtle truth that lingers now in every zephyr of my thoughts, that every ounce of special magic i thought lingered in the relationships that i have with everyone, friends, people that i knew, was really only special because i thought it to be and made it to be. everyone was good in their place, sweet at heart, caring in their own right, but were never for me. the people that will be mine forever insha-Allah, will be nothing more than a strangers to me in the beginning, and every bond, and beautiful relationship from there will be mine. but none of these. nothing right now is mine except my family. it kind of makes me laugh actually. i fought for so long, and now insha-Allah i will not fight any longer. Allah knows best.

i'm just going to sit back and let it come.

tanhai mai basi hai zindagi.

2006-02-22T22:40:00.000-08:00

salaam,
the time right now is around 2 in the morning and i'm just sitting here, contemplating.

me.

2005-11-01T11:01:00.000-08:00

As-Salaam u'Alaikum wa Rahmatullaahi wa Barakaatuh,

i'm at school, and thinking i should go pray so i can be on time to my next class. i have so much i want to say, so much i feel, but no one to really say it to, so ironically i'm posting it here so anyone in the world can see it. that's weird, but oh well.

khair, i can't believe ramadan is over. i didn't even get the benefits from it... i don't know what happened. it was like i was in a time warp or something, and with school and everything, i didn't even do those good things i usually do.

i feel so alone these days. its like having friends, and laughing and joking, but feeling like ur inside is dead. i miss Allah. i have for a long time. i don't know what's wrong with me. i wish i could just turn back towards Allah, and say that's it, i'm not going to do all those things i was doing. i don't want that life anymore. but we have habits, norms that we conform to, reputations to uphold, things that don't even exist. die, and all those things you were holding up like an atlas carrying the world, vanish into thin air.

i want to be a good Muslim again, but i fear the hope that goes with it, the strength required to uphold it, my lack of sincerity, and me so disrespectful to this beautiful deen and to my soul. i want to disappear sometimes, but i wish to go out there and be with people. i want to develop myself spiritually and internally, but then i think i should use my resources and help others, do something with my life in the community.

i had hopes, dreams, ambitions, all that i think i gave up because i was and am so scared of hurt. i trust everyone so openly, yet do not trust myself.

i want to make dua to Allah, i want to cry to Him, i want Him, yet my sins have blackened my heart, and continue to prevent me from getting close to Him. truly you cannot have one foot in two boats, nor two loves in one heart.

salaam.

a journey to Allah.

2005-08-05T00:57:00.000-07:00

As-Salaam u'Alaikum wa Rahmatullaahi wa Barakaatuh,

my house is on the top of a mountain. from my mother's room, if you look through the window, you can see miles and miles of trees. in the faroff distance, there is downtown, representated by tall buildings poking out of the mass of trees.

at night, i used to look at downtown, which then looked like a ship with dazzling lights far off in the sea, and sing the Eid dhikr you say on Eid day. i found out 2 years ago, that if i sang that in my most sorrowful times, or other dhikr, or even the nasheed, "jab se hua hai Un ka Karam, khairiyuth sai hoon", i felt better.

its been many months since i've seen that ship. its been many months since i've sat outside on the steps and contemplated. its been many months since i've heard my silence.

i miss Allah.

lately, i've been desparately wishing that somebody might understand me, understand my silence, ask me to speak. i miss my childhood, miss my teenage years. i'm really tired.

al-Hamdulillah, its been a long trek, and i fear the even longer trek to come, though Allah hu Alim of how long that journey will actually be knowing that we can go at any time.

when i was a teenager, i thought of my situation with deen like this: i'm at a huge party, with all the glitz, glamour, and joyful people. if i know how they talk, know what idiosyncrasies are "cool", and know how to be the charming, confident, say-the-right-thing girl, all of which i did, i can just slide right in and have a great time. but, i see myself standing in the doorway. outside, its night time, quiet, cool breezes, a path that leads somewhere else. this is how the story of my development actually starts.

for a long while, i stood in that doorway, not quite understanding what it is i wanted to do. when i stepped in, it felt weird. it was so superficial, and i knew i didn't belong. a few years later, when i suppose i was 16 or so, i decided, that's it, i'm stepping out and taking that path. i remember writing on the rim of my diary pages that there was no turning back now.

the years passed, i made some changes, learned quite a few things along the way. i feel like though, now, this journey has become really lonely. (and i don't mean lonely, as in i need to get married) i mean lonely, as in i have forgotten why i came on this path in the first place. i see so many people on this path, and they're moving, but i'm just standing there. i often see myself like that, just looking, standing, still.

i don't want to remember that party, but now sometimes i think i do. i know though, that that's not for me. but where am i now. i feel like some people i meet on the path are those from the party, and it works out for them.

and now, after all these years, i want my own path. i want a straight path, a true path, without my desires guiding me, without people and their offerings of hurt, and criticisms, and complex lifestyles for me to live.

i just want a simple path to Allah.

salaam.

fall.

2005-08-01T21:05:00.000-07:00

salaam,

i gotta stop it with these one word titles.

so i had my ece final today, and consequently left very early in the morning. when i was driving, i was wondering whether anyone else noticed it, felt it, like i did today. there was something in the air -- it felt like fall but so much more. its weird how we have so many associations with a time period; perfumes, phrases we hear, humidity in the air, the aura in a restaurant, or classroom setting, can all trigger a strange feeling you had forgotten you ever experienced. sometimes you want to forget that feeling. i have always thought though, that one of the biggest blessings from Allah (Subhan wa Ta'ala) is our ability to forget with time. No matter how vivid we remember, what feelings are triggered, it is never the same as it was then. Al-Hamdulillah though, we remember our good times. al-Hamdulillah.

i guess i'm in a slump. so many people, so many words, one lifetime. what's the point of having your head spin? i was wondering today really, what is true intelligence. is it the ability to quote people, quote history books, know current events, or know one subject really well? or is it the ability to assess what you learn efficiently and put it to use, to be emotionally intelligent, to know your heart, to keep up with the swaying of your heart, know its every move?

anyways, this is a poem i wrote about a year and a half ago. Allah is the truest of friends.

if in my wisest moments, i have known,
man is of stone and God alone
is your friend, the end, to the deeds we send,
on this endeavor, with cruel and bitter bends,
where i contemplate my useless state,
despise the sins anchoring down my weight,
then wishing desparately for a fate,
to be dirt or dust, free of hurt or a must,
to understand, my visions, decisions, not in my hands,
what's right, to fight, with all my might,
the shaytan, who preys on my weak imaan,
but if i, an insaan know of this,when for brief bliss
am void of this world's ludicrice,
then why do i cry, or try, and lie,to myself,
to deceiving, believing, otherwise?

ya Rabb, i love u with all my heart,
i belong to You and long for You,
a token of unspoken love,
Your mercy,and Your peace,
please unbreak what has been broken,
please complete what's incomplete,
help us all, and break the fall,
with You with us, life's sorrows are so sweet,
when i rip inside, and wish to hide,
only You know what i am feeling,
please let your healing stop this peeling,
of my heart, my sanity's unreeling,
please let who you will come to understand,
for you can make hearts swirl like sand,
let what's best, help me pass this test,
with a patient and pious soul at rest,
you have blessed me more than i can ever say,
in a palace in the sky, i pray,
may your blessings never go away,
today, or in whatever comes my way,
i will always hope, and hold the rope,
please don't ever let me let it go,
for Your beauty and Your truth,
far outdo this world uncouth.

i kind of feel like this again ...

salaam.

trust.

2005-07-27T22:47:00.000-07:00

salaam,

there comes a time in everyone's life i think, when either you or someone else takes their love, their feelings, their purest emotions, in their rawest form, and puts it in your hand, as an immense trust. most of the times, you don't know how it happened, or the one with whom you put your love in their hands, doesn't know how it happened, but it happens so fast, and the test is so quick: what will you, or the other person do now, with the imaanuth.

some people drop it, some few treasure it and offer you their love in return, while others hold it so long, not quite capable of such a responsiblity, not realizing its like the breath taken away from a living person.

some times we don't know why things happen the way they do. why do we get hurt, why do we hurt others, how do we think of things when they go differently than we wished them to, or when people hurt others intentionally or unintentionally? when you have a question in life, is it always answered.

though most people i imagine say no, i think it is. with Allah lies all answers. we have to try to understand what Allah wants for us, and in the process, we understand other truths.

i heard this hadith qudsi once, but i'm not sure of the narration, so do not quote this unless you find it somewhere, in which case let me know.

it goes along the lines of:

"There is something that you want, and something that Allah wants.
What Allah wants, is what will happen.
If you do not want what Allah wants, then what Allah wants is what will happen, and you will only be made tired,
If you do want what Allah wants, then what Allah wants is what will happen, AND what you want will happen".

what does this mean? it means, in my opinion, that if you are happy with what Allah wants for you, then you'll get what you want too. i don't know, its kind of interesting, because if you think about it, we really just want to be happy, and our hearts are so fickle.

Allah is al-J'abbaro, He completes what is incomplete, fixes what is broken, and has the ability to make anyone do what He wants.

Allah can change hearts. He says Kun ('be'), and it is.

May he give us hedayath to understand, the taufique to apply it, the taqwa to beautify our hearts, and above all, His mercy to accept us and forgive us. Ameen.

salaam.

faith.

2005-07-18T00:06:00.000-07:00

salaam,

i've been thinking about so many things lately and have been wanting to write them down, or discuss them somewhere, but i could not. please me dua for me insha-Allah. i just realized i probably sound like such a hair-brain cause i'm always talking about life like its a crazy whirlpool.

it is in a sense, a whirlpool of emotions, of desires, goals, aspirations ... and its biggest whirlpool-like characteristic, our ability to forget. insaan is so nadan, (innocently clueless), i'm amazed.

i had this thing on my mind for a few days now: 3 young boys in our community died on Wednesday in a car wreck. i've been thinking about them everyday since then, and a lot of things have just been running through my mind. i remember the day it happened everybody was so devastated. the boys were driving and i suppose started hydroplaning, lost control, and drove over the median where they hit a truck driving on the other side of the highway. they died upon impact.

i thought a lot about what their families would be going through. when you lose something so great, sometimes your mind gets thrown off track. iman is the only thing that can save you, help you cope, understand what just happened.

again, there are a lot of things that i've been thinking about, and somehow they all seem so intertwined, so much like a puzzle, but i'm not sure exactly yet how they fit.

before i put a halt on my blog, i wanted to talk about faith, dua, Allah's mercy. I wanted to, and still want to say that faith is a very strong weapon, dua is a very strong weapon. in fact, one of my favorite books is called, "Dua, the Weapon of the Believer". its a weapon against hopelessness, its a sort of hope that keeps you alive. hope is a funny thing, because sometimes, when we really hope for something, or really want something, it hurts. we cry for it in Sajdah, but your heart feels satisfied because there's hope.

sometimes we get that thing that we wanted, and other times, Allah saves us from some big calamity, or we get something for it on the Day of Judgement. when we don't get what we wanted though, we question. we question everything. why did we not get it when our hearts were so sincere. we don't see what calamities Allah has saved us from. we don't see what good might have come from us not getting what we wanted.

but u know what? don't question. Allah is so Merciful, so Kind, and so Loving. When we lose something that we love, there is something that we don't know. remember that story about Khidr and the boy that he killed? Musa (Alaihi As-Salaam) didn't understand why, but it was because of the boy's future which would tremendously hurt his parents who were good people.

when someone dies, though we love them very much, we have to remember that we are going to meet our Lord one day as well, and we belong to Him. i read this thing after those boys died:

Finding Contentment after the Death of a Loved One
Hadith - Al-Muwatta 16.43

Yahya related to me from Malik from Yahya ibn Said that al-Qasim ibn Muhammad said, "One of my wives died and Muhammad ibn Kab al Quradhi came to console me about her. He told me of one among the Bani Israil who was a diligent, worshipping, knowing and understanding man who had a wife that he admired and loved, and she died. He grieved over her intensely and lamented her until he withdrew into a house and locked himself in, hidden from everyone,
and no-one visited him. A woman heard about him and went to him, saying, 'I need him to give me an opinion. Nothing will satisfy me except what he says about it.' Everyone went away, but she stuck to his door and said, 'I must see him.' Someone said to him, 'There is a woman who wishes to ask your opinion about something,' and she insisted, 'I will only talk to him about it.' When everyone had gone away, and she still had not left his door, he said, 'Let her in.' So she went in and saw him and said, 'I have come to ask your opinion about something.' He said, 'What is it?' She said, 'I borrowed a piece of jewellery from a neighbour of mine, and I have worn it and used it for a long time. Then they sent to me for it.Should I let them have it back?' He said, 'Yes,
by Allah.' She said, 'I have had it for a long time.' He said, 'It is more correct for you to return it to them,since they have lent it to you for such a long time.' She said, 'Yes. May Allah have mercy on you. Do you then grieve over what Allah has lent you and then taken from you, when He has a greater right to it than you?' Then he saw the situation he was in, and Allah helped him by
her words."

anyways, i wanted to talk about some other things along the lines of hurt, but maybe some other day. i have to pray; i'm too tired to do my hw right now that's due tomorrow.

please always remember this: Allah wants us to know Him, to really know Him. I cannot stress this enough, He is more Merciful, more Kind, that you will ever or can ever imagine. don't ever ever ever trivialize His mercy by your sorrows, or by passing judgements on others because of how you perceive their deen. and lastly, remember that apart from breaking kinship, there is nothing, absolutely nothing, in this world that your dua to Allah cannot change.

when you have Allah's love, you have it made.

salaam.

Halt on Blog.

2005-07-09T00:59:00.000-07:00

As-Salaam u'Alaikum,

i have to sort out some very crucial things by mid-August insha-Allah so i'm having to halt this blog for a bit, (though i had this huge post i wanted to do today on faith and the mystery of God's ways, and one of my absolute favorite hadith qudsi's, but it shall have to wait, along with my romantic post). :) maybe i could do them together :) :) :) .

meanwhile, maybe if i find some nifty duas (prayers) i'll put them up (or i discover some incredible truth about life, and cannot possibly keep it to myself). i'm thinking maybe when i come back, i can try to put more religious enlightening things straight from the source of noor, and less somewhat naiive and long posts about my perceptions on the noor. :) i dunno, we'll see.

make dua for me please.
until August Insha-Allah, Salaam.

hasbi y'Allahu wa ni'mal Waqil ... Allah is sufficient for me and what a fine Trustee He is.

Trustee, what a powerful word, with more implications than we can ever realize. If we remembered that at every bend in the road, what a journey it would be unto Him.

The Veil.

2005-07-07T19:19:00.000-07:00

Dawud Wharnsby Ali - The Veil

They say, “Oh poor girl you are so beautiful you know
it’s a shame that you cover up your beauty so.”
She just smiles and graciously responds reassuringly,
“This beauty that I have is just a simple part of me.
This body that I have, no stranger has a right to see.
These long clothes and this shawl I wear, ensure my modesty.
Faith is more essential than fashion. Wouldn’t you agree?”
This hijab, this mark of piety,is an act of faith, a symbol, for all the world to see.
A simple cloth, to preserve her dignity.
So lift the veil from your heart to see the heart of purity.

They tell her, “Girl don’t you know this is the west and you are free?
You don’t need to be oppressed, ashamed of your femininity.”
She just shakes her head and she speaks so assuredly,
“See the billboards and the magazines that line the check-out isles,
with their phony painted faces and their air-brushed smiles?
Well their sheer clothes and low cut gowns they are really not for me.
You call it freedom, I call it anarchy.”
This hijab, this mark of piety,is an act of faith, a symbol, for all the world to see.
A simple cloth, to protect her dignity.
So lift the veil from your heart to see the heart of purity.

They say, “Sister of belief you are so strong,
your scarf it is a flag of this faith where you belong.”
She just drops here gaze then she smiles with humility,
“I did not wear this shawl at all less than one year ago.
I’ve been judged, misjudged and mis-understood
by those who do not know that,
faith cannot be measured by the garments that we sew.
Beauty, faith and women: objects reduced to a fashion show.”
This hijab, this mark of piety,is an act of faith, a symbol, for all the world to see.
A simple cloth, to protect her dignity.
So lift the veil from your heart to see the heart of purity
When we lift the veils from our hearts and seek the heart of purity.

8\ !!!

2005-07-05T14:31:00.001-07:00

salaam,

i can't study, i don't know what's gotten into me. one blog leads me to the next and then i just keep reading and reading. what am i gonna do?!

sigh... information overload... and everybody talks so fast, and so witty, and so non-clicheish, and so into what's going on. man, i have a hard time keeping tabs with myself. i'm feeling so non-cosmopolitan.

... double sigh... i can't keep up, you know why? because my head will start spinning and all the while, i'll forget who i really am.

maybe this blogging thing isn't such a good idea... i gotta hear myself think, and that requires quiet.

sincerely slow,
salaam.

Tagged by Valiant Contender

2005-07-05T09:10:00.000-07:00

Number of books I've read:

i honestly have no idea.

Last book I read:

Ar-Raheeq Al-Makhtoum (biography of Prophet Muhammad Sallalahu Alaihi Wa Salim) ... this is actually a really good book masha-Allah. i get bored sometimes when historians put in so many details and lineage that i can't even track, but this one was exciting (except for the first 40 pages or so). cover to cover, its about 500 pages, but its an easy read since its suspenseful.

Number of books I own:

Including all the ones at my home which are of course owned by all my family members, probably a couple of hundred al-Hamdulillah.

Books that mean a lot to me:
The Quran
Islamic books
Arabian Nights (the kids version)
and i guess books that i read as a kid... i think i read every roald dahl book he ever wrote (i'm pretty sure);

hmmm, oh, and then i went through a phase in highschool when i was intrigued by the human mind and read a bunch of brainy books (about intellect and things). ironically, the books i was supposed to read for school during the summer i rarely did (i just sort of skimmed them) except for interesting ones like "lord of the flies" (which i only understood its depth after i read the epilogue :) ), and "jane eyre".

anyways... sorry, off track.

oh!!! i love reading National Geographics, Saudi Aramco World, American Scientist, Smithsonian, hmmm, let's see... other interesting magazines... hmm, but these aren't really books. its been years since i've read anything but nonfiction.

The book I am reading since long but could not finish:

well, it hasn't been that long, but i'm reading "Muhammad" by Martin Lings since someone said it was also very very good. i was on the 3rd chapter or so, but i have so many things going on (like a test tomorrow, which i can't believe i took so much time to write this post, i'm such a dummy; and the mcat coming up), that i just haven't been able to continue.

I am currently reading:

... my mcat books... when will they finish?!? and currently currently, as in today currently, my circuits book. :)

salaam.

true beauty.

2005-07-04T22:29:00.000-07:00

As-Salaam u'Alaikum,

"Nothing is at last sacred but the integrity of one's mind"
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

as usual, it is late, and i should be sleeping, especially considering the fact that i have an exam day-after-tomorrow and i need to study all day for it tomorrow; however, i had a couple of things that i thought about today and just wanted to get them out, sort of process them here if you will (to save me from processing them while attempting to study tomorrow).

today was a beautiful day al-Hamdulillah, as are most if not all days. i wish i could do something to my heart to make it alive.

imagine this scenario: you care for someone so much, really care for them, love them, and then something happens to you where you can't think straight for a while. you withdraw from them, yet you think about them. you know you're hurting your relationship with them but you can't get yourself to pull out of it. as time goes on, your head droops more and more, because you wonder how you'll face them, what you will say to them. now imagine the one you love is Perfect, has never hurt you, has given you a love that has filled your heart with happiness. how would you face them? how would you ask them to forgive you? and now finally imagine, that the one you love is so Forgiving, so Merciful, and so Kind to you, despite your disloyalty. then?

this world is amazing, i've said it before, i'm saying it now, i'll probably keep saying it.

today a family member of mine whom i really love more that i can express (al-Hamdulillah) gave me a long talk about life. they quoted the quote in the beginning of this post, and said that in place of "mind", could very well go "heart", as this is really the essence of this life. its really about knowing yourself, appreciating your blessings, and not ever letting someone else affect your integrity at all, whether it be of your mind's or your heart's. this may very well sound like another "be all that you can be" moral variation, but its really not. its a lot more than that.

we can never slow down, especially not now. i don't mean "not now" as in this time in age, i mean not now as in maybe later. it is truly amazing how Allah (subhana wa ta'ala) loves beauty. do we? do we even have time to reflect, let alone appreciate beauty?

i have always felt this, and i think (insha-Allah) that i always will. Islam is that religion, that the more you learn about it, truly learn about it, and the more you learn about Allah through it and through life, the more you realize how incredibly beautiful it is. Its like being blind and then being able to see, or being able to see black and white, and then being able to see color. before the change, you didn't really know what you were missing.

sigh, i thought for a long time, certain things were indicative of someone's piety, or certain things are "religious" while other things are clearly not. perhaps all this time, i was putting the pieces of life's puzzle together thinking i knew what the picture would turn out to be ... and now it seems, like it is actually another.

salaam.

"Control Room".

2005-07-03T02:36:00.000-07:00

As-Salaam u'Alaikum,

Day-before-yesterday, my family watched the movie "Control Room", basically about al-Jazeera, journalism, and the coverage of the war against Iraq since its start. So i'm not really into politics at all and my knowledge of history is horrendously awful, but there are certain things that surpass the realm or boundaries of politics and history. These are those stories of people, individuals, who were oppressed, whose lives were destroyed, about their thoughts, their feelings, their humanity. Politics nor history is really about that, the former is the framework for the story, and the latter is just an account of what happened, simply statistics. And I don't really know what the true account, that taking into consideration each person as an individual, a complete individual, might be called as a science. I can't help but think, feel, and know, that only Islam can help put these things into perspective.

The movie was basically compiled interviews of journalists by Al-Jazeerah of Al-Jazeerah correspondents as well as other newscast (CNN, NBC, BBC, etc.) correspondents, and a few good army men stationed at (or close by) to the Central Command station in Iraq. It showed the consequences of "true journalism" as coined by one of the journalists, and the wickedness of this world. It kind of made me really depressed.

You know, sometimes you don't get depressed about what's going on per se, but about your apathy, your inherent apathy that you observe from your ability to forget so easily. That's what's really troubling. Allah is Just, and He will take everyone into account. I remember once I heard something from a dear friend who went through many adversities and what she said was something very simple yet profound. She said that when Allah makes someone go through an adversity, its not just a test for them, but for those around them to see how they will respond as well. Will they do something to help, will they at least make dua?

In the middle of the second-to-last sentence of the previous paragraph, I was interrupted and have just come back after a few hours to complete that sentence as well as this post. Its really late now, and I'm going to go to sleep.

... somehow i feel like i should interject something cheery here, like a smiley face, but maybe some other day insha-Allah.

salaam.

"You."

2005-06-29T22:14:00.000-07:00

As-Salaam u'Alaikum,

though the title has a somewhat romantic name, unfortunately i'll have to postpone that romantic post for later. currently, i was going through my files and found this poem i wrote almost exactly one year ago by that title "you". don't worry though, this doesn't mean all my writing will be about confounding issues that plague my mind and have no resolution. sigh... i really don't know why i ask so many questions, and no! that's NOT a good thing (contrary to popular belief).

anyways, i also have found some cool nasheed sites i'm thinking to put up in my links, which are currently saying "Edit Me!" (or something of that sort, too lazy to check).

on another note, my niece got a mosquito bite on her eyelid, which is now swollen, and though you may be thinking this is trivial information, actually its really not that trivial. we hear all the time when people claim that they love someone so much that they would take their pain as their own, whether this is true or not in certain circumstances (when someone can't actually take their pain away), i don't know, but i can certainly see it happening with kids. i felt like crying.

again, its interesting how Allah tests us with that which we love, so it may very well be true. personally i feel it is, and love has its own set of rules, but again, i'll have to contemplate that some other day. one thing for sure, the most amazing love is that done for Allah's sake, because its sort of like its not about you, your idiosyncrasies, your likes or dislikes, its about Allah, its about your heart. its blessed.

sometimes i feel like i can just go on and on and talk about any issue (except worldly things where i'm just like ummm...), though i've gotten so used to my thoughts and my way of thinking, sometimes i feel like these feelings are common knowledge and there's no need for me to express them; who knows, perhaps someday i'll forget how i used to feel about something at this age.

today my ethics prof. said very casually at the end of one of his lines (he was discussing euthanasia), "you cannot delay injustice indefinitely", and i just stopped and thought, that's such a scary truth... may Allah forgive us.

maybe its just cause i've started blogging, but all day long i was making mental notes of things i gotta mention here. i wonder what's the difference between a blog and a diary. am i, could i, or would i, ever be as open here as i would if i was writing in a diary. its funny, because i had another blog which i told all my friends about, and this one i've told noone (except for people in my house) about... but anyone in the world could technically read it.

ANYWAYS, here's the poem... i'm impressed if you've gotten to this point in this looong post.

June 27th, 2004

when the sun sets,
and the rain is let,
to pour forth like it has never before,
when you see yourself,
for what you really are,
in a mirror truthful in reflection,
no distortion of esteem,
no pride to blur your vision,
when you see your faith,
for what it really was,
when you understand what it means,
to believe,
when ur heart screams of horror,
of the injustice you embrace,
on the world of Islam so beautiful,
you call your own without shame,
the things you shunned,
are but of your own,
you loved them more,
than what is worthy to be loved,
then when you realize this truth,
bewildered, flustered,
you wonder how you could ever reach this stage,
know then,
you have noone to blame but yourself,
because you lied,
when you called yourself,
a Muslim.

then i was apalled at myself... and now i'm just tired. my heart's gone blank. i'm hoping its a phase. Allah is so Kind, so Merciful.

salaam.

i wonder...

2005-06-28T20:55:00.000-07:00

As-Salaam u'Alaikum,

I've been thinking about a couple of things in the past couple of days. I don't know why I feel like I'm in a time warp, where I don't really understand and can't figure out what's coming up in life.

Its weird how a person never really knows what they are like until they are put into a test from Allah (Subhana Wa Ta'ala), but I'm so terrified of tests. Vaisay, its interesting how are happinesses and our sorrows are both tests, because it shows Allah how much we remember Him.

I'm scared, I can't help but feel scared. I feel like this world is so complicated and the people are so complicated.

Anyways, on a more interesting note, this paragliding, hangliding thing that I've gotten involved in is insha-Allah getting off the ground... haha ... sorry, bad joke. anyways, this should be interesting. I was talking to my cousin today about how that's sort of a very-out-there sort of thing to do, and how that might go with Islamic principles. my cousin just started laughing... i think sometimes that i'm going crazy.

i'm starting to learn and have sort of learned now though that its not the small things that count. its almost like Islam has a sort of beautiful secret to it, and very pure and precious path not so easily found by following a bunch of strict regimens or fulfilling actions which we don't even think about when we do them. there's something very alluring about a secret that you have yet to discover.

i wonder though if i'll ever discover it. i hope that Allah insha-Allah gives all of us hedayath and the taufique to come closer to Him. ameen.

sometimes you spin faster than the world spins and everything happens so fast, and other times you stand back and watch the world spin.

dreams are so fickle... like Langston Hughes questioned, what really does happen to a dream deferred.

i wonder...

Subhan-Allah...

2005-06-23T02:56:00.000-07:00

As-Salaam u'Alaikum wa Rahmatullaahi wa Barakaatuh,

So I'm finally getting to my first post, though I was thinking this might happen a couple of months down the road.

This world is really an amazing place, and as always, and as will always be, Allah is so Merciful and so Kind. Sometimes you wonder about the time that you are living in... sometimes you feel it going by so fast, while sometimes time stands still.

I wonder right now whether there are limits in life, and where they are. What types of things happen in life, and what types of things don't happen. I'm looking for patterns, believing that even chaos has a pattern. For all of life's chaos, sometimes it doesn't seem so chaotic at all, its unpredictability makes it predictable.

So I'm sounding like a philosophical lunatic, but its true (not that I'm a lunatic but my theory on life). Meanwhile, I'm also sounding unduly optimistic.

Deep in some hearts, there is a fear, fear of optimism which we sometimes deem to be fake and ready to fall apart in front of us, our sins, which we feel someday will catch up to us, our arrogance, our hypocrisy, a loss of that which we love, our apathy to our surrounding sorrows, our own half-forgotten sorrows from rising to the surface, our forgetting the truths we learned about our whole forgotten sorrows, and the deepest rooted fear, that of Allah. We fear that our sincerity isn't really sincere. We fear that Allah knowing all, can see that. We fear the lack of the fear that Allah deserves.

Yet if we surpress fears, they don't go away, and if we cry to Allah, they do. Its an interesting phenomenon.

And there our hopes, which make us optimistic in the first place. No matter how many times we've lost, we think the next time we will win. No matter how many times we've sinned, we think Allah will forgive us, and next time we will win. Sometimes we set our dreams to be so high, and sometimes we see them fall so lifelessly like leaves in autumn.

If we dream high about our relationship with Allah without giving up, no loss ever shakes them. If we give up, our dreams about our deen fall more lifelessly than any other dream in this world. It is also an interesting but sad phenomenon.

When we remember and we dream again, its painful but its where our hearts find peace.

Anyways, the point of this post wasn't for it to be a dissertation on life, but just to express a bunch of mixed emotions I guess. Anyways, considering that its close to 3 A.M. and that my brain stops functioning around 1 A.M., I think this post could have waited, but anyways, Allah knows best.

I still got a lot of things to do before I sleep. Yawn.... La Howla wa La Quwatta Illa Billa Hil Alayul Adheem.

Salaam.

color coordinating

2005-06-21T22:44:00.000-07:00

i wonder if i'm overdoing it with the green thing.

testing.

2005-06-14T19:44:00.000-07:00

i'm thinking to write a book.